As a bearded fellow, or any other human with an interest in facial hair, there’ll be many times in your life where beard quotes will be useful. To entertain guests, to defend your ‘tash, to bring humour to a hairy situation... Whatever it may be, The English Shaving Company have put together the best funny beard and moustache quotes.
General beard quotes
“I'm a pretty clean eater, so my beard probably just smells like the blood of my enemies.” ― Eric Hendrixson
Scary stuff from Eric Hendrixson there, but the perfect comeback if anyone tries to insult your beard’s hygiene!
“All the men in my family were born bearded, and most of the women.” ― W. C. Fields
A funny beard quote for any chilled out, facial-hair related conversation, although perhaps one to keep to yourself when you’re with your family!
“You go to Brooklyn, everybody's got a beard and plaid shirt. They may be able to tell each other apart, but they all look alike to me.” ― Don Lemon
Ever been faced with beard blindness? Too much facial fuzz and not enough face? Don Lemon understands.
“He who sacrifices his beard for a woman deserves neither” ― Anonymous
We couldn’t find a source for this one, but it appears to have been adapted from Benjamin Franklin’s, ‘He who sacrifices freedom for security deserves neither.’ Strong words from Franklin and a strong quote to silence those beard-haters.
“Maybe! Maybe! Maybe if your aunt had a beard, she'd be your uncle.” ― Alvah Bessie
Next time someone is throwing maybes around, use this quote from Alvah Bessie! After all, what’s the use in a maybe!
“This music has been around since before the beard on Moses.” ― George Thorogood
A great, beard-related way to refer to anything old. We love it!
Beard Quotes for the Rule Breakers…
There appears to be a strange correlation between beards and breaking the rules, according to these people anyway!
“I never had long hair before I got busted. I never had a beard before I got busted.” ― Charles Manson
Hmm… not sure what this says about the rest of us with beards!
“A decent beard has long been the number one must-have fashion item for any fugitive from justice.” ― Craig Brown
Anyone insult your beard? Fire this at them and it’s bound to keep them quiet (or make them laugh!).
Beard Quotes from the Ladies…
Women have a lot to say about beards too; here are some funny beard quotes from women.
“When I was a kid, I had this idea that I would have a beard when I got older. I thought it'd be nice to rub my chin.” ― Rosario Dawson
It is a nice sensation, Rosario! And, for the record, we think you’d look as fantastic with a beard as you do without!
“A man's face is not a rich person's lawn … Nor is a man's face the woods.” ― Ellie Kemper
Excellent advice from Ellie Kemper on the upkeep of beards, something The English Shaving Company are particularly passionate about ourselves!
“'Beard' isn't really a superpower.” ― Amy Leigh Strickland
“A man without a moustache is like a cup of tea without sugar” ― Anonymous
A very old moustache quote that’s been around since sugar came to Britain! If anyone tries to insult your ‘tash, simply recite this ancient line and raise an eyebrow. It’s a failsafe (well if you take sugar with your tea anyway…)
“With great moustache, comes great responsibility” ― Peter Griffin
In need of the best, funny moustache quote? Why look further than the wisdom of Family Guy’s Peter Griffin? Too true, Griffin, too true.
“Life is like a moustache. It can be wonderful and terrible, but it always tickles.” ― Nora Roberts
One of our favourite moustache quotes from Nora Roberts to get you through the good and bad times. When your growing moustache gets a bit itchy, remember this quote!
What are your favourite beard quotes? Are there any you would add to this list? Let us know in the comments!